You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
