Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize