I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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