I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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