No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
