he was CRYING into my vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
