My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
