Acid is not a monday night drug
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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