Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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