6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm passing your future prison.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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