I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
