It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
