New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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