Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
