If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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