my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
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