i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
