i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize