the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
