Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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