1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
