i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
