I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
