Im at strip club and am horny
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
