Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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