I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
