Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize