He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
