my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
