dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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