I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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