We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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