its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
