dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
