those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
