I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
