it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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