you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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