my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
