There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
