Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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