I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize