took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
