I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
