guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
