Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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