17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
