I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
