he wants to bone in the snuggie
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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