I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
