bring money and cleavage
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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