I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
