My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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