i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
