I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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